1000th Post — What an Accomplishment

One thousand posts. Quite the milestone. It’s obviously an accomplishment. I’ve been writing on this blog since I was a freshman in college. The backstory has been told a million times, and you can find it on the story episode of the podcast.

I hate acknowledging my accomplishments. It makes me physically anxious. It’s something that holds me back and makes me not able to tell others about the things that I’ve made or created or crafted — even if I’ve done it for them.

I’ve been spending a long time trying to get over this. Reaching out for help in so many different ways. Through therapy, through business mentoring, through talking to friends. It really sucks when you’re both unable to talk about your accomplishments, and then also unable to get anywhere after actively working on the problem like a legitimate adult for a solid year.

Part of it is because I’m afraid that my work is not perfect.

Part of it is because I’m a get to work type of person and once I’m done with something, it’s ‘what’s next’.

Part of it is because I’m constantly feeling like I’m behind and that feels like it diminishes my accomplishments.

The problem comes with the more granular everyday things. I don’t know how to write emails saying, I just created a Scrapbooking 101 course, or I just made a new $5 membership level at the Awesome Ladies project, and you should join me. I freeze up. I’ll spend hours staring at a screen, or a blank sheet of paper, or walking around the house.

I get overwhelmed and then time passes and then I think it’s too late and no one wants to hear about it anymore. But even more than that, I don’t really know how to take the basic ‘these are facts of the thing I created’ and turn them into the words that people need to hear to get excited. Or maybe I do, and that process causes me so much anxiety that I would rather do anything else. I really don’t know.

I do know that I’ve tried. I’ve tried really hard. And I’m very tired of winding up crying in bed because I think that I need to quit everything because I can’t tell people about my accomplishments. It’s not a matter of my ‘not liking to write email’, it’s not a matter of needing help with my Instagram strategy, it’s not even a matter of having too much on my plate. The problem is a matter of needing help with telling people what I’ve accomplished.

Because it literally makes me physically anxious. And I’ve asked for help in all the ways I know how. I’ve worked on it by myself in all the ways I know how. I’ve grown in my own voice in all the ways I know how.

I just don’t know how to get over this last hurdle.

This is a really bad feeling inside. I don’t like feeling this way. I really have no idea how to fix this. The only thing I know how to do is state things that I’ve done. So today I’m going to share with you the things I’ve accomplished since starting this blog thirteen years ago.

Things I’ve accomplished since starting this blog:

  • Graduated from college (Rutgers University) with a degree in Political Science and Women’s & Gender Studies
  • Worked at the 2010 US Census where I managed 1700+ people and made sure that people were counted
  • Started my first business: rukristin papercrafts
  • Created the #CurrentlyList and #Thursday3 self-documenting challenges; participated in over 10k times on Instagram
  • Started the Awesome Ladies Project + Community
  • Invented the term ‘Feminist Scrapbooking’ to describe the unique way in which I document my life
  • Created + sold my own stamps and paper crafting products
  • Moved halfway across the country
  • Taught dozens of courses and workshops about telling your story and scrapbooking your life
  • Learned how to grow dozens of varieties of heirloom tomatoes
  • Discovered that I had two separate headache disorders and found an excellent neurologist
  • Created a stand-alone website for my Awesome Ladies Community
  • Wrote my first book (and corresponding workbook): 100 Days of All About Me
  • Started the Crafty Ass Female podcast with Amanda Zampelli; that has over 150k downloads as of the time I’m writing this
  • Interviewed Ali Edwards, Brandi Kincade, and found a deeper version of my voice.
  • Hosted two amazing Awesome Ladies Live retreats here in East Lansing, Michigan

These are all amazing things. Every single one of them is something that I am crazy proud of and a great accomplishment, but I’m not into spending that much time talking about them unless someone is specifically asking.

I love creating art about my life because that’s interesting to me. I don’t really care for telling people about things in a salesy way because that’s not interesting to me and I feel like the people who are into my stuff won’t find it interesting either. So I get caught in this trap ‘well what I’m saying is boring, so I shouldn’t even bother saying it’; and then I don’t wind up telling people things. Even when I’m doing things that are really interesting.

Even this post, right now. I’m very seriously considering deleting the entire thing — simply because, ‘Does anyone really need any of this? Does this help anyone?’

But it’s something that I’ve been struggling with for a very long time, and I’ve been through therapy, business mentorship, hiring help, and more. I hear the same advice over and over again, ‘You’re awesome, everything you do is great, just say that!’

I wish I could. I wish I had the ability to just pop open the content creator the way I do when I’m making a cool scrapbook page or something else that makes sense and just write the words that pour out of me. I’m great at that. This is something else entirely. I’m not being shy or modest, it is something I’m bad at and I’d love to know how to get better.